Gray

Today I feel colorless. Silly little things have made me feel like curling up and either reading compusively or just crying. Some days it's just discouraging to see oneself saying and doing what is so contrary to the perfect image Christ gave us.

The past two days...

Nate and I got stuck in the snow with his jeep last night.
It was ridiculously funny after we got unstuck.

And before that we went to Barnes and Noble where I bought a book with no words in it (how silly is that?), and saw a ton of Dordt peoples.

And before that we ate dinner at Ruby Tuesdays, where I ate huge portebella mushrooms on my salad, ate a tasty barbeque burger, and had a totally amazing strawberry lemonade with mint and fizzy water and fresh strawberries.

And before that we went to the best used bookstore in Sioux Falls, which has amazing books covering all the most important subjects (theology and horses), and where we learned that Nate has a bit shorter attention span than I do.

And before that we went to an antique store rated best in Sioux Falls. I found a vase that matches my wicked awesome blue salt and pepper shakers (but resisted temptation to buy;), a lovely inlaid brass box (which Nate spoke reason to me and said I didn't really need), watched Nate slobber over old cameras, and pranced around in a really warm and fuzzy mink stole.

And before that Nate took me away from Eryn, because we were late getting back from our very late breakfast, but right on time lunch at Butlers, where we had the most tasty chicken rasberry vinegrette pannini, aztec chicken tortilla soup, and a cinnamon carmel mocha. End result: to very talkative, distracted, and highly caffeinated girls.

And before that I got up at 10:45, and Eryn came by fifteen minutes later, and amused herself while I got ready by reading my beauty book written by former Miss Universes.

And before that I woke up at 7:00 to say goodbye to Cassie. Which was sad. But I consoled myself by knowing that I will see her face all over American Idol next year.

And before that I went to bed at 1:00 after laughing so hard with my roommates I thought I might hurt myself or just fall over. And I told Cassie she had to leave because she made scandelous comments about Nate and her pajamas.

And before that I walked to David and Rita's with Nate and Eryn, because potbag insisted on walking in chilly burrness. But he was a good gentleman and carried my ten different kinds of root beer over so we could all have a root beer tasting. We all became super snobs of root beer and also very sick of the stuff. (btw -- Mug is disgusting, and Virgils and Frost Top are the best. But if in a fix, A&W is bearable. Under no conditions whatsoever should you drink the horror known as Santa Cruz organic root beer beverage. It's clear and scary tasting).

And before that I went to the choir concert, where the guys made the show by singing Old Mink Farm.

Yup. It has been a weekend of amazing adventures.

An Early Rising, Rhyming Vampire

It's a sad day in my life when I wake up at 7:15 and feel refreshed and awake. Sigh. I hate my body liking mornings now. I want night, and dark.

I disturbed Cassie when we were going to bed last night by telling her my aspirations of becoming a vampire. She promised to record her experiences someday in a book entitled "I Lived to Tell the Tale". I love my roommates. I'm going to miss that crazy girl. She read aloud to us last night from her book, and then we all three talked in rhymes to each other for a good twenty minutes straight. Highly amusing.

And then my alarm went off at 7:30 and I was ready to get up, because I'd been awake for 15 minutes in bed. Sigh. That's what I get for going to bed at 11:00.

Que est sapientia?

-- What is wisdom?

Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.

And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.

1 Corinthians 3:18-20

Gratitude

How can I be so ungrateful for all that I have been given?

The nights may be long, and the stress hard, but what I face is nothing. Nothing.

As I finish a historical research paper on Confederate women journaling, I read this:

“Here I sit alone, rocking, rocking, rocking – with the few embers in the grate my only reflection to the thousand thoughts which crowd my poor, clouded mind – oh! for sleep, deep sleep to relieve me.”

At first my selfish mind thought, 'Oh yes, I understand. I feel that way, 'cause boy life stinks right now.'

God forbid that I let myself think such egotistical foolishness.

These women faced the breakdown of their entire lives. Their world was never the same, and they could sense it. How unimaginably terrifying. And I had the ridiculous audacity to equate a few late nights with papers with what they looked at.

I guess this means that I should just close my mouth, thank the dear Father who has blessed me far, far beyond deserving, and work to preserve what these women felt. Felt so terribly deeply.

Lord, continue to keep me thankful, and let me never forget the immense grace I am daily given. Please, please, please.

Drawing to an end

With a long deep breath she pulled the thin
white threads of steam inside her --

Her shoulders rounded low
as she let out a shivering sigh --

She passed a dry winter-starved
hand over her forehead in a vain
attempt to wipe away the weariness
etching its way under her eyes
and at the corners of her lips --

She closed those eyes tightly
in one last bracing gesture --

Then brought the tall cup to those lips
and drank long and hard

What happens when the will to do is gone? How does one keep moving and going forward, when all I desire is to curl up and wait. For a long, long time. It's no longer a question of motivation and initiative, but of surrender. I would be content to never write another paper, take another text, or read another essay. How do I finish what I wish I'd never started? How do I push myself to complete what I won't even touch?

It is incredibe how fast life changes.
One moment everything seems hopeful, though stiff.
And the next, an entire campus is changed forever.

It is draining.

20 Things I Am Currently Liking

1. The present progressive tense-ing
2. Nate.
3. Nate's family (and his farm, where he shows me cool things and tries very hard to teach me to shoot. Don't worry, I'll make you teach me on that sweet little gun sometime over Christmas)
4. Scout. He's pretty much the awesome-est purebred mutt I know.
   
5. Having people drive me everywhere. I traveled from Dordt to Nate's, to my house, to St. Cloud, back to home, and back to Nate's and back to Dordt. And I didn't drive a lick of it. Heehee.
6. Lovely starry nights. Especially at home where there are no lights around to dim the gorgeousness. I wish I could stay up all night to watch them travel across the whole sky.
   
7. My horses. Especially Cruiser. Who let's crazy people like Nate ride him, and only moderately takes advantage of the newbie;) Actually Nate did an awesome job. Mom and I think he's a natural;)
   
8. Taking long trail rides in parks. Mom and I went to a local state park and rode all over the place. It was stunning, even with all the leaves gone. Mom and I talked about everything worth talking about the whole time, which was a big challenge because Cruiser and Hank were really, really hyper and jittery and muchly entertaining.
   
9. Shopping with fun people. My whole family went shopping with me, and we found all kinds of crazy deals.
   
10. My brother. Who is now the owner of the two coolest shirts. One says, "It's Good in the Hood" with a big photo of Mr. Rogers. Yes. Wicked awesome. The other: "It's all fun and games until the flying monkeys attack." And of course, there are stick flying monkeys around a little stick man. One holding the missing leg. Sigh of envy.
    
11. My new wool coat. It's black, long, warm. And I have it now, at long last.
12. My new scarf. It's purple, long, warm, and matches the totally awesome new coat.
13. Traveling with my family. They are totally nuts. And my siblings become more hilarious every time I see them.
14. Fixing up my room. I stayed up until 4:00 in the morning two nights in a row redoing things in there. It was so fun. My family thinks I'm nuts. I found all kinds of lost treasures, and threw out a ton of old junk.
15. Staring out of clean windows and seeing the details you've been missing for so long.
16. My old book collection. They smell like nothing else in this world. I could live in that scent.
17. Talking to Nate on the phone when it keeps cutting out. He says things funny:D
    
18. Bad weather. When I get to admire it and find it lovely.
19. Dip ink pens. I tried them out today. I love them. I want to write all my letters with them, why did people ever switch? They are so classy and smooth to write with.
20. Hugging Michelle and Eryn again. I missed those two.
    

Tolstoy

Music is the shorthand of emotion.

Of Boogers, Belles and Beasts

This weekend I got to be around kids more than I've been able to for quite some time. It was awesome, and exhausting. On Saturday I gave lessons to my two students -- Peter (6) and Lisa (8). I gave Lisa her a new violin today. I had almost forgotten how exciting it was when I got my violin. Her eyes sparkled. Then when we started playing declared that it sounded like a guitar (I can't decide whether that's good or not).

Peter was in rare form. Our lesson was a bit, disjointed. He played his first note, then looked up and asked, "What comes next?" He then spent the next three minutes (yes, no lie) straight laughing over his joke. He also had a cold, which meant he had snot everywhere. And he kept giggling through the whole lesson.

Sunday night Eryn and I babysat at Christ Community for Growth Groups. We played hide-and-seek for a very, very long time. It took a while to convince them that being older was not an advantage, as it also meant being larger. I found some great spots -- I must say the church is well designed. Then we played tag (Eryn and I took long, long breaks at base).

We decided to finish off the evening with Koolaid and a movie. Except while Eryn and I went to find movies, the older girls took the younger girls outside. Oops. Yeah, that scared us a bit. We rounded them all up, and popped in Beauty and the Beast. I love that movie. Belle is so cool and pretty and smart. Beast is awesome, and his library rocks my world. And the horse and riders are accurately drawn. Sigh.


And it has lines like, "conspires against harmless crackpots like Gaston!" Classic.

Full of Beauty

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.

You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company.

Apparently I look odd

Pbase.com

Restless Frustration

The past few days I have felt so strange. Hard to identify strange. Yesterday was the worst. First I was irritated at life. Yesterday was wonderful, and I should have spent the entire day happy. And while I was happy while I was distracted, once I stopped I just felt odd. Everything and everyone made me feel tense, angry, and frustrated. I recognize that the only thing responsible for this ridiculous mood swing was myself.

And now today I got myself angry enough at my own anger that I had a twenty minute nosebleed (nearly broke the record I set in third grade), which scared me more than a little. And now I have that same feeling I've had in between these times -- vague, unsettled restlessness. I'm trying to focus on what is causing me to feel this way, other than my own naturally fluxuating moodiness. And I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's because of all the trip opportunities I've had presented to me lately. Digging with ABR in Jordan over Christmas break, and a music and English tour with Morningside in Ireland next May. Both, however, cost money that I really don't have. Technically I could get it together next summer, but is that right? Should I be spending money on these trips instead of paying towards student loans and relieving my parent's financial help?

I don't know. As was talked about in sunday school today, wisdom is from our heavenly Father. I lack it. I crave it.
Debere cogito?

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Laser Savage Your Superpower is Undead Your Weakness is Dust Your Weapon is Your Air Rod Your Mode of Transportation is Horse

What's" your Superhero Name?

Eryn -- look. Even in this I manage to be undead. And ride a horse.

People, everywhere!

I'm back to typing here (though how long it lasts I really haven't a clue. My motivation ebbs and flows like the everchanging ocean).

I was really uncertain if I was going to like having a million people back on campus and suddenly having five roommates. But I do. I only felt suffocated by people once, and that was at cookies after GIFT, which honestly I always find to be completely overcrowded. All my roommates are moved in, and there is stuff everywhere. The apartment now is looking lived in. There is character in every corner, and more is added all the time.

We had a room meeting last night, where there was much laughter intermixed with the long lists of things we have to buy very shortly. I am very fortunate to now live with a totally funny, smart, and considerate group of girls. On so many things we have similar opinions, and Michelle and I just randomly joined up with this room! This is truly a gracious blessing from God, go figure?

And now, I am being assaulted with my single allergy. Grrr. It's very distracted to sneeze all the time! I'm going to go and register soon, and deplete in one small, fell swoop the entire funds I worked on this summer. Sigh. College hurts. I want to be a grown-up with a job and benefits.